


the darkest minds

by rmartin



Series: may the past be our future [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-03 20:02:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17290487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rmartin/pseuds/rmartin
Summary: “What's your name, boy?” he addresses the child sharply.The small boy is quiet for a moment – then he opens his mouth and whispers. “I am Armitage Hux.”





	1. the man I once knew

The fact is that Ren still needs his General – and that makes Armitage Hux irreplaceable. Ren hides that fact by taunting and mockery – he even refused to give Hux the rank he desired that much in order to keep him waiting – in order to push him into submission. He could beat him into it of course – but he doesn't need Hux bloody. That's why Ren regrets his behavior that shortly after Snoke's death. He's seen the bruises – now purple and black – covering Hux's sides and his throat. And he's seen the look Hux managed to send his way – his General was capable of slitting throats and Ren's own was now in danger.

Ren has to admit that Hux is probably the only person in the entire galaxy – if he doesn't count his Knights – that truly knows him. They spent years together – arguing and at times also agreeing with one another if the situation required it. He thinks he knows Hux well enough too – he likes to drink after his shift, just one glass and never more and he sleeps in soft pyjamas and smokes if he's too stressed. Sometimes Ren wonders if Hux knows – suspects something. He could use this sort of information against Ren – and the only way to deal with it would be executing Hux on spot. Ren admits to himself he would be sad – he can go that far that he would mourn the man. But a job is a job and he knows that Hux would kill him if he could – the only thing that is sure is the promise of a quick death they made to each other one night.

It was the first time Ren fucked Hux. They didn't even make to bed – he pressed the General against the wall, pinned his hands up and tore away his pants which earned his loud curses and few sharp bites into his throat where bruises later bloomed. Ren thinks that was the sole moment when Hux truly looked beautiful – marvelous even. His face was pale and eyes tired – and he was quiet for once in his life. He even caressed Ren's face and after they were done they lied next to each other in a silent union that was unknown to both of them. The next time they fucked in Hux's office and after that in Ren's quarters. It became a habit of theirs – a way to get rid of the tension or rage. Now it was over of course – but Ren didn't feel particularly bad about it. He was disappointed of course – but he knew that this time it was his mistake. Choking Hux and then throwing him into the wall was a poor choice – he could tell even then and he is sure of it now.

There will be others like him – willing to warm Ren's bed. He's the Supreme Leader now – and many desire the power he now holds. For instance – Peavey seems like a good choice. That man is not handsome in any way but Hux despises him with all his heart – and fucking him in front of Hux would maybe enough to change his General's mind about a thing or two. His Knights think differently – Ren knows a lot about their opinion of Hux. They think of him as a tool – that could be used in some situations but they know he's dangerous too. And so they warn Ren about him – Master, do not trust that man. Ren is not stupid as Hux likes to claim – he knows that Hux desires the throne – he knows he wishes him dead.

Ren needs to keep him alive for a bit longer – after he will ensure his place Hux will have a choice of his own – either to be with Ren or die as his enemy. It's a fair offer after all – and it's more than Hux would grant him if he was in Ren's place.

That's why he's just as confused as the Officer standing in front of him. He needs Hux – that's why the General should be still alive and breathing. The Officer realizes his mistake and quickly tries to find an excuse to redeem himself but it's already too late – the words have been spoken. He cannot take them back now. “Hux is dead?” Ren blinks and asks the questions before he can stop himself.

The Officer only pales further. “Eh, sir… We couldn't be sure. The General rarely takes a day off and after what happened…” His voice trails off. “I am sorry – I misread the situation.” The apology seems sincere but Ren's focus is elsewhere. “Shall I check on the General, sir?”

Ren looks at him. He is awfully quiet for the longest time. Then he dismisses the man with a wave of his hand. “The General will come when he's done with his little day off.” He scoffs – and tries to hide his own worry as he walks away from the Bridge. His Knights are already waiting. He called them back just last night – he needs them to be by his side – especially in the times like this. They are like his family – the bond between them is stronger than the bond of blood. He knows their fears and they know his. He trusts them – because they cannot betray him. They would never. Maybe it's his greatest strength or maybe it will be his downfall. He strides past the black figures in the robes - doesn't even look into their faces now covered by masks. He's thinking of Hux. That man loves his job – and he never takes a break. There were times when he had to drag Hux back to bed and woke up to see his lover busily typing something into his DataPad.

The word lover sends waves of heat across his body. Their relationship is complicated – he doesn't trust that man and he refuses to admit there are some feelings involved. Ren repeats to himself – let the past die, kill it if you have to – he managed that. Han Solo is dead, Luke Skywalker and Snoke are dead. And most of all – Ben Solo is dead! He killed them all – murdered them or send death their way – it doesn't matter. He is free now, free to rule the First Order by himself. He destroyed anything that was between him and Hux in order to become stronger and better. There is no point in crying over spilled milk – Hux wasn't the first of his lovers and Ren is about to make sure he won't be his last. Just because he lost his willing partner doesn't mean that Ren needs to be celibate now. He can fuck anyone as long as he wants to – he could invite the entire brothel aboard of this ship and Hux would not be allowed to complain. He has his uses and that's why he lives. That's what Ren tells to himself.

Hours later – now – he's starting to get worried. No one knows what happened to their General. Hux simply vanished – he no longer responded to Ren's summons. Maybe he ran away – the rumors spread across the ship like wildfire. Some didn't find them surprising – only a fool would stay. Now that Ren tried to kill him and almost succeeded. His Knights feel his distress.

“We can hunt him down, Master,” one of them says – Asra – as he enters Ren's quarters. “We can start looking for your General.” They could be. They just need Ren's permission – that is all.

Ren slowly shakes his head. “No,” he says in the end. “There is no need to panic. I know he is not dead – and Hux I know would never run away like a coward. He loves the Order too much to do such thing.”

There could be another explanation for that. Snoke is dead now and Ren saw Hux's appearance. Hux wasn't sleeping – just working and working as if he could correct his mistakes by pushing away sleep. Or maybe he was trying to escape from something – Ren had enough of his own nightmares to understand why one would fear to fall asleep. In the past – Hux liked to put stims into his coffee that helped him to stay up for days. It was visible of course – the way the circles underneath his eyes darkened with each passing hour. Maybe he was too injured – too exhausted. Even Ren could tell that Hux needed at least a day of bed rest to recover from his injuries and take care of the pain.

He can imagine him clearly now – lying in his bed and soundlessly sleeping. There's where Ren goes as next - Hux's quarters. He finds no one there – just a ghost of a man he used to know. It's not that strange – Hux knows this ship and is good at hiding if he doesn't want to be seen. Maybe he's now laughing somewhere at Ren for his foolishness – Ren knows that he cannot let himself to be seduced by his enemy. Not when he finally has everything he's ever wanted – the power lies with him and the fleet of the entire First Order is at his disposal. The Resistance is weak and crumbling – they will all soon be dead. He still feels bitter after Rey refused him. She made her choice – and will die with them in the end. So let her be – she is replaceable too. Ren's seen many girls like her – small and petite and brown-haired.

The only difference is that Rey has power – that's why he wanted her, why he needed her. She has power that could match his own – not that Ren fears her. He is sure that the next time they will see each other, he will crush her. He was other concerns. She could help him create a new world – instead, she chose to die in her old.

Ren is irritated when he returns back to his throne. The room is still empty and the walls are painted red. He's wearing finer clothes that he used to wear before – they are still black as it's the only color that makes the blood almost invisible – but they are soft and warm. Asra bows his head showing his Master respect when he comes in. “Two Knights are still not here,” he says but there's a smirk playing on his lips. “I suspect they will arrive this evening or tomorrow morning.”

Ren only hums in return. He knows his Knights won't disappoint him – they never do. He sits on his throne and crosses and uncrosses his legs. “Who is still missing?” he asks.

“Fjar and Olek.” Asra is overly confident when he steps closer to Ren. “I can feel your rage, Master.” He never asks why – only deduces. “The General was still not found. Why are you worried?”

“I am not.” He's not – he tries to convince himself and Asra only shrugs. He never argues – it's not his place to argue, just listen and carry out Ren's commands.

They both turn their heads in the direction of the opening door. Ren frowns when he sees as Peavey steps in – the man is all flushed and is breathing quickly.

“Supreme Leader,” he bows as he comes closer and Ren quietly waits for him to explain himself. Then Peavey steps side and –

 – the little boy by his side is not older than five. He is shaking as his blue eyes fall on Ren. He doesn't cry though his cheeks are still wet from tears. He is small and thin – almost too thin for a child of his age and his hair is red and it reminds Ren of someone.

“What's the meaning of this?” Ren stands up and crosses the room. He keeps staring at the child which is now pushed forward to be presented in front of the Supreme Leader. The byo starts trembling. The side of his cheek is red. Ren kneels down and touches it gently – he cannot remember the last time he touched someone this carefully.

Asra steps towards Peavey and slaps him before anyone can stop it. The sound of flesh colliding with leather glove carries across the room. Peavey howls but never jumps back – just stands there and stares with shock at the Knight. The boy flinches violently and closes his eyes – then he starts sobbing. Tears roll down his cheeks and enter his half-opened mouth.

“There are things I can forgive, Captain,” Ren tells him. “But no one will slap child if I can stop it.”

“Yes, sir.” Peavey seems unsure of himself. “I apologize, sir. But he didn't want to stop crying and started to fight me on our way here.” His cheeks are flushed in embarrassment. Ren's attention turns back on the boy. 

“How did he get on the ship?” he asks and feels like he's missing something.

“You asked us to start looking for General Hux, sir,” Peavey carefully starts and Ren narrows his eyes. “I – We…” He stops talking and looks at the boy. Confused – Ren does the same.

“And you found this child.”

Peavey eagerly nods. “He was wandering the ship and I thought it was a priority to let you know about this, sir.”

Ren cocks his head to the side. “Does he have a name?”

That's when Peavey brings the boy closer as if he wanted Ren to really look at him. His lips are pressed into a thin line in frustration – look at him, just look at him. Ren looks. The boy is nothing special – there is nothing that alluring about him and yet –

 – Ren recognizes someone in him just when the boy blinks and tries to muffle the sound of his sobs. Hux did the same thing when he had Ren balls deep inside of him. It's an improper thought – especially in the presence of the child but Ren cannot stop himself from wondering.

“What's your name, boy?” he addresses the child sharply.

The small boy is quiet for a moment – then he opens his mouth and whispers: “I am Armitage Hux.”


	2. no one is ever really gone

_I am Supreme Leader now – I am Kylo Ren. I murdered my previous master Snoke, I killed my father and led Luke Skywalker to his death – how hard can it be to take care of a child?_ Apparently, it was a gross misjudgment of his time now that Ren looks at it from closer. He's tired in a way he's never really felt before – certainly not after a well-fought battle. The boy currently living with him is awfully quiet.

Armitage Hux is not like the other kids Ren used to know – he never says a word, he never screams or jumps around. It should be easier that way but Ren's starting to feel uncomfortable. The kid is just sitting on the couch where Ren previously left him. He is not moving but Ren knows that he's still alive – he checked it multiple times. There's no way he would let anything or anyone hurt Hux in his present form – but he's starting to lose his patience. Finally, something inside of him snaps and he crosses the room and kneels in front of the boy.

Ren wonders if this was some sick game of Armitage's – to make Ren kneel but quickly realizes that there are many differences between the adult Hux and his child version. The boy looks at him with fear in his eyes and he looks so innocent – it almost breaks Ren's heart.

“You can move, you know,” Ren says softly. His knees are already aching. “Run and scream like a normal kid.” Armitage cocks his head to the side in silent wonder. Ren wants to get inside of his head and understand what he's playing at but before he can attempt to do so, Armitage speaks up for the first time since he arrived here.

“Father doesn't like when I am noisy,” he explains with that child-like wonder and his blue eyes suddenly seem much bigger. His bottom lip starts to shake and it's too late for Ren to realize that the boy's trembling. “I don't mind quietly sitting.”

But Ren does mind – his own childhood was maybe lonely but his parents rarely told him to sit still for hours and hours. “Your father is not here – and I swear I will not tell him. This could be our secret – mine and yours. Come on, explore – move.” Don't sit like this – you look like you are dead already.

With these words, Ren stands up and returns back to his desk. The files are piling there – and for the first time he's starting to understand Hux's irritation over these stupid papers. He carefully reads them over – one by one and yet it seems like more and more are coming his way. He expected that being a Supreme Leader would be much easier – he was supposed to spend his time chilling out as one might say and never worrying about a thing. His Knights brought him news about the Resistance – and about Rey. He has them now, he just needs to bring his fleet together – and then he can start planning his attack. The High Command is not going against him for what is Ren thankful – it would be hard to fight in two wars at the same time. There will be one last fight – win or lose and Ren is going to win. He knows this – he feels it in his bones. He just needs to be patient – he cannot rush things this time. Or he could lose everything.

Ren blinks when he feels as small hands tap against his knee. He looks at the couch and when he doesn't see Armitage sitting there, he glances down. He sees how frightened the boy looks – his face is completely white. Once Armitage gets his attention, he seems to hesitate. “I am hungry,” he says in the end. It's not a demand – it's a plead and Ren's black dark heart sinks. It's been hours since Armitage came here and Ren didn't bother to ask once if the child wants something to eat. He wouldn't feel this guilty if Armitage wasn't this thin. He takes him in his arms and the five-years-old boy stares at him fearfully. His red hair is sticking in all directions. There is something soft in his eyes – something that Hux Ren used to know didn't have. Ren's heart almost stops – Hux is so small, so delicate. He could crush him if he wanted to – and he doesn't. He feels like a father who is holding his newborn son for the first time. Ren finds himself unable to let go of the boy. His heart skips a beat – and heat spreads all over his body.

“Why didn't you say something sooner?” Ren asks. Armitage doesn't look at him - doesn't offer any kind of explanation. “You were busy,” he says in the end and lowers his gaze to the floor. “I didn't want to disturb you.” There is this moment when Ren wants to say – disturb me all you want.

“I need to know if there's something you want,” he tells the boy patiently. “I am not the one in charge and I am taking care of you. You need to tell me – otherwise, I won't know.”

That's a lie. He could read Armitage's mind and find out. Ren promises himself he won't let that child starve ever again. He's never connected his dots but Hux once or twice mentioned being hungry as a child. There was that time when they crashed on a sandy planet and wanted to return back home immediately. The man who offered to help them in exchange for some rations started stealing from them. Ren was raging but Hux refused to let him hurt the man in any way. He even asked: “Have you ever starved, Ren?”

Ren had no answer for this except no so he remained silent. 

“I have.  And I won't take food from the man who knows how the hunger really feels," told him Hux then.

It was an admirable action – truly. And it was the first and the last of Hux's merciful acts. That man was quite ruthless when it came to torture and punishments. Ren knew that it was hard for Hux to forgive even then. He looks with wonder at the boy in front of him. He wants to know what happened – when did this boy die and General Hux was born?

Armitage has the expression of childish wonder written all over his face – it almost seems like his eyes were asking – was it you who put all the stars on the night sky, sir? There is no answer for this question – Ren realizes with growing uncomfortable feeling inside of his chest that this is the adoration the young child feel towards their parents. Despite Ren's gentle words – he is not quite ready to play the role of Armitage's father. He suddenly wishes that Brendol Hux was still alive. It would be much easier – and he is sure that the child would be happier in the presence of someone he knows. He lets go of Armitage and pushes him away from him. The child looks confused at first – his hands almost pleadingly reach for Ren. But Ren ignores him – stands up instead. “What do you want to eat?” he asks. Armitage doesn't move. He looks like a statue. His lips are shaking but at least the boy is not crying. Ren knows that he understands that his presence is now not wanted and he immediately drops his small hands down and looks elsewhere.

“Anything,” he says so quietly that Ren has to prompt him to repeat himself. The joy is gone and Ren later realizes that it was him who wiped it all away. There's a moment when he wants to approach the boy – tell him that he's sorry but he is a dangerous man and this is a way to protect Armitage – but some part of his knows he would be lying. He is not pushing the child away because he wants to protect the boy – he pushes him away because he wants to protect himself.

He orders a droid to bring anything sweet and they wait in silence for his arrival. Armitage sits on the chair and doesn't move. He doesn't seem to want to move. He looks like a doll – lifeless and scared. It takes Ren another hour to notice that he's refusing to look at the boy. His heart sinks. He tries to smile more often but he sees that Armitage is withdrawing. He is hiding – trying to disappear. Ren asks him about his mother and father.

Armitage's face is impassive. “I don't have a mother,” he says and his voice shakes. “Father never talks about her and I should not ask him. He gets angry if I ask too much.”

“Your father is not here,” he reminds him softly. “He will come soon but for now you can do anything you'd like.” Armitage shakes his head and when the meal comes – he quietly eats the food that is put in front of him. There are times when Ren has to admit that looking at the boy hurts. He still sees the grown-up man, Hux he dearly misses now. There are no angry remarks – no threats exchanged. Ren knows that no sex will follow and blushes in shame when he realizes what he is thinking about. He cannot think of Hux and yet it seems that the General won't leave him in peace. He lives in that boy – breathes through him and there are multiple times when Ren just wants to grab Armitage's small boy and shake with it until the boy changes into Hux he knows. After dinner, he sends the boy straight in bed. It feels unfair that he will be forced to sleep on the couch – but it still could be worse and Ren keeps his protests to himself. The only one here who could hear them now is a five years old boy that used to be his lover. Just as that thought crosses his mind Ren freezes. He forbids himself to think of Hux as his lover – it sounds dirty when he is near his de-aged version.

Armitage curls under the sheets. Suddenly, he asks. “Are you going to leave me?” Ren wants to say yes – he is prepared to go but something in the boy's face stops him. He cannot move and he doesn't want to. He shakes his head slowly – suddenly changing his plans and steps closer to the bed.

“You are a big boy,” he says hoarsely. But Armitage's not a big boy. He keeps forgetting that.

Armitage shakes. “I don't like darkness.” It sounds like a secret which should never be told. "Can you stay here with me just a little longer?”

That little longer will turn into entire night. Ren is not stupid. He should say no to that boy and go find his Knights – he should find out if there's a way to change Hux back and if not, there must be another solution. The boy cannot stay here – that much he knows. As he looks at Armitage he wonders if he wouldn't be happier dead. He needs to grow up quickly and if not, what other chances they have? Brendol is dead and Ren cannot take care of this child. And at the same time – he just cannot make another Stormtrooper out of him. It feels wrong – and death – no matter how harsh it may sound is maybe a better option. Maybe. He comes closer to the boy and sits on the edge of the bed. “I'll stay,” he says and doesn't hesitate as he says it. It's the least he can do for little Armitage.


	3. the boys that will become fathers

“Surely not,” Ren insists and his gaze slides from the doctor standing in front of him to the boy sitting inside of his office. “You are wrong.”

This is Hux – he reminds himself sharply. This is Hux and this cannot be.

The doctor frowns. “I am not mistaken, sir,” she says after a long pause. “That child has been clearly abused.” He knows she's talking about the bruises. Ren found out about them just a few hours ago when he was helping Armitage to dress. He could tell they were old – but nevertheless, the suspicion rising inside of him just rose anew.

At first, he didn't mind Armitage being quiet. The kid was probably terrified and Ren couldn't blame him. He still hasn't decided what to do with the boy – his Knights were unable to come up with a cure and Ren started to like Armitage's presence. The boy seemed to be scared. He was silent – never speaking if he wasn't asked a specific question. He never asked for anything – never cried or made any noise like normal kids did. Ren knows he should have suspected something sooner – the simple thought of Armitage being hurt to makes his blood boil – but he kept convincing himself that it couldn't be possible.

He's always believed that Hux was raised in a family that made him the person he was now – with father always wanting him to get more power and mother guiding him from the birth. But maybe he wasn't that perfect – maybe there was something no one knew.

“He's been beaten?”

“It is possible,” the doctor says. “I can see the signs all over him. Not just bruises, sir. But some scars run deeper and are harder for the outsiders to see.”

“Was he – ?

Ren suddenly cannot speak. It's unimaginable. He cannot even think about it but the doctor seems to understand his way of thinking. She shakes her head.

“No,” she says. “Not sexually.” Ren sighs in relief but he still isn't sure what to do now – with this kind of information. He nods at the doctor in silent thanks and dismisses her with a flicker of his hand. Then he rushes into his office and kneels in front of Armitage. The child is shaking. The little boy is staring at him with sad blue eyes.

Ren feels a pang of guilt when he realizes that he pushed this child away just a few days ago because he was too afraid of commitment. For some reason, the way Armitage looked at him afterward haunts him. There was so much sadness inside of his eyes – as if he was trying to ask: Why don't you want me?

“Where is your mother, Armitage?” he wants to know.

The boy is silent and then, after a long pause he speaks up. “She is away.” His lower lip starts to shake. “Father was angry with her.”

“When was the last time you saw her?” Armitage is unable to tell him when but he remembers the details of the whole situation. Ren sees them too, inside of Armitage's head. Then Armitage tells him himself as he wraps his small fingers around Ren's hands and keeps them there until he's finished.

“We left her lying on the floor,” he says quietly. “Father took me away – he told me it was because he needed to protect me. He needed to make me fulfill my destiny and staying in that place would make me no good.” He is not looking at Ren – his eyes are closed and his cheeks are flushed. Then he opens his eyes and hopefully looks at Ren. “If father won't come back, can we go back to see my mother?” he wonders. “I think she needs my help – she wasn't moving. I think that she might be hurt.” Armitage leans forward and takes a hold of the sleeve of Ren's jacket. “Please,” he begs and Ren sees tears glittering inside of his eyes.

Ren is suddenly unsure. He's never felt this way before – but again - Hux's always managed to make him feel things. He looks at the boy and thinks. How is he supposed to tell him that his mother is dead? Ren is not just guessing. From Armitage's memories he can tell that the poor woman had no chance of survival. She fell on the ground and bled there to death. Now, years after that, Ren knows that she is now under the ground and even if he wanted to, there is nothing in this galaxy that can bring her back.

He takes Armitage into his arms and the child starts to cry once more. Suddenly all of Ren's previous plans are gone and forgotten. He feels protective of this child – of this shadow of a man he so terribly misses. This is not Hux and yet this is Hux. This is the only real Hux right now. Ren brushes the boy's hair and gently shushes him. He cannot let him die. He will not allow it while he lives. “Your father won't be coming back for you,” he says after he makes his decision. “It's just you and me buddy.”

Ren wonders if he's not making a mistake. He knows that if he grows attached to that boy, he will never let him go. There's a small chance that things will return back to normal and that Armitage will grow up and turn into Hux once more.

“I want to go home,” the boy whines. “I want to go home!” Ren closes his eyes and his heart breaks in two.

_Where is your home?_

Ren already knows the answer. But he cannot give Hux his mother back – and he cannot bring that boy to the place where she died.

“This could be your home,” he whispers and remembers how much Hux loved this ship. _Finalizer_ was his pride, his other baby apart from the Starkiller. He's once promised Hux that he will never mention that weapon. It almost makes him smile.

Ren only now realizes how important Hux was to him. He left behind a hole in Ren's heart – and to Ren it seems that the entire galaxy won't be enough to fill it.

“I lost my mother too,” he tells the boy and Armitage looks at him with wonder hidden under the sadness. It's not truth - he's never lost Leia, he let her go in order to come what he was meant to be. “And I miss her every day. I know how you feel.”

Armitage sniffs. “What will happen to me now?” He looks terrified – like he is expecting Ren to send him away. It's all it takes to make Ren change his decision.

“You will go with me,” he whispers. “I will protect you.”

He holds the boy close. He smells like Hux – like leather and coffee and shampoo. It's the last reminder of the man he loved – _yes, loved!_

Armitage finally stops crying and remains unmoving in Ren's arms. Ren kisses the top of his hair.

Ren should have told him that he loved him– and God, Hux would have hated that.


	4. children and monsters

What a strange man, the little child thinks as he stares at Ren. Little Armitage is currently back at Ren's quarters. He is confused and tired – and a bit afraid. As far as he can understand, his father is gone. Ren's never explained why. He simply claimed so when Armitage asked.

He is not exactly sad – he is afraid of his father far more than he's afraid of Ren. He knows there's something dangerous about Ren too – and at the same time, Armitage feels like Ren would never hurt him. His eyes are sad and dark – and he rarely smiles. Every time Armitage looks at that man, he simply knows he did something wrong. Ren doesn't hate him – but Armitage's presence makes him sad. He's looking at the little boy like he is everything Ren's ever lost and Armitage is too young to understand that he's just had. He never dares to ask though – Armitage likes their relationship as it is and he fears that just one wrong word could make Ren angry and Armitage doesn't want to be hurt again.

He still shakes in terror when he thinks about his father's punishments. He was a bad boy and Armitage knows he deserved it. But despite that, he still wishes for his mother's kindness. He doesn't understand death as it is. People cannot disappear forever – he doesn't even know what it means to simply stop living. Maybe it's like falling asleep but for a little while longer. His mother has fallen asleep too. Armitage has never told anyone his most valued wish – he will bring her back. One day, he will return back home. He dreams of it every night. She will run towards him and take him into her arms. Or maybe she won't because by that time he will be grown up, all big and strong. He will hold her tight, whisper: _mama!_ into her ear. She will kiss him and he will tell her how terribly he missed her.

That's what he dreams about most of the nights. But there are other dreams too – some filled with that bad memories of his mother falling down on the ground like a doll. His father is standing nearby but he never reaches to help her. Just thinking about that moment fills Armitage with hate – it's the first time he truly hates something with such passion that he wishes to make his father go away. And maybe all dreams came true because his father is truly gone. He is not sure if he can trust Ren – maybe the other man is lying. Armitage wants to trust Ren – and every time he wants to call out his lie, he feels like it would be unfair so he is quiet. He has no idea what to do with the fact that Ren is trying to take care of him. Armitage wishes to return back home – but he cannot.

And what home that would be? Armitage remembers only a little of his homeland. He still remembers the taste of the rain and the cold mornings – his mother's kisses and her soft voice. Some part of him knows that he cannot return back – that world no longer exists. Armitage's learned a long time ago that some things simply never last for as long as we would need them to.

He stands up slowly and crosses the room. When he reaches Ren, he extends his small arms in front of himself and makes a gun out of his fingers. He points it at Ren and when the man returns, Armitage smiles, narrows his eyes. “PAF!” he screams.

His mother used to put her hand on her chest. “OUCH!” she used to scream and then fell on her knees. Ren just strangely looks at him and the ice inside of his eyes melts. He cocks his head to the side and he stares at the little boy for the longest time. He stares at the gun made out of his fingers and his lips start to shake. Armitage stares at him, confused. He lowers his hands and panics when Ren moves toward him in quick measured steps. The tall figure of the man is looming over him. Armitage opens his mouth – to scream or to yell. But Ren scoops him into his arms and presses him against his chest. Armitage stiffens and then wraps his hands around Ren's neck and keeps them there.

“I am sorry,” he says quietly – tasting those words on the tip of his tongue. Usually, he says them to lessen his father's anger but today for the first time he understands what they truly mean. Ren closes his eyes and Armitage knows he's trying not to cry. He gently touches the side of Ren's cheek.

“What are you sorry for?” Ren asks just as his eyes crack open. Armitage feels safe – he is sure that while is Ren with him, no one else can hurt him ever again.

“I made you sad,” he explains in that childish wonder and cocks his head to the side. That's when tears start to roll down Ren's cheek. Soon enough to puts Armitage on the floor and kneels down so he can face the little boy. Ren looks so young. Unlike Armitage's father. Ren doesn't look like the most of the adults either. Armitage rather thinks that he would like to have Ren as a father. Maybe they could do things together. Maybe he could tell him about his nightmares and fears – tell him about his mother and how she laughed and how she smelled. They could play Armitage's favorite games – or do nothing at all. They could leave this ship and never return – simply run away as far as they could get. Armitage is so caught up in the daydream that he doesn't notice at first when Ren speaks out his name.

Then the Knight repeats it and Armitage looks at him with those big blue eyes. When he gets older, he will get taller and slimmer. His eyes will turn cold – there will no longer be that childish wonder, that honesty. There will never appear another honest smile on his lips ever again. In a certain way, it's truly heart-breaking. Ren knows it too – that's why he cries. If he wants his Hux back – if he wants the man he loves back – he must destroy little Armitage piece by piece and create something new. A weapon – a man who has nothing to lose and knows all the pain. But when he looks at the child – he is unable to do anything except stare. Hux's never had any idea how brainwashed he truly was – just like the rest of his army – he was used without his knowledge and people stronger and older than him forged a General. _The Empire needs children._ And Ren is looking at one of those children now – now when the Empire is long gone and there are only dreams of glory and visions of a new world.

“I lost someone too,” Ren tells him quietly. He is trying hard not to think of the General – but it's so damn hard. He knows he cannot let go of that boy. He cannot give up Hux or Armitage. They are so different and yet are the same. He fell in love with the man this boy once was.

“Is that someone away?” the little child asks innocently. “Just like my mama?” He never asks about his father.

“No – not quite. I just cannot talk to him right now. But if you wanted to – I could tell you about him one day.”

He kisses Armitage's cheek and the boy eagerly nods.

“Who was he?” the child asks and Ren doesn't know what to say.

“He was my friend,” he says in the end. “Funnily enough – his name was Armitage – just like your own is.”


	5. every nightmare ends

He wakes up from a nightmare suddenly. His tongue is heavy inside of his mouth and his teeth are rattling. He tries not to move for a while – but then when he finally does – his body collides with another body lying next to him.

He stiffens and then it seems clear to him. A pair of hands is wrapped around his middle. Ren's breath is warm against his neck. Hux tries to pull him away. He cannot remember going to bed last night. Maybe Ren brought him to his quarters after he fell asleep over his work. It's happened before.

Or maybe he came here after Hux was out. It's not unusual of Ren to come and ask for sex. Hux doesn't mind most of the time – he likes going to sleep sated and comfortable. He wriggles, wondering if Ren is hard and when he finds out that Ren is not, he feels disappointed. His hand tries to slide lower, just to touch Ren through his briefs. Hux stills when he hears Ren's voice. He turns his head to the side just to see as Ren's eyes crack open and he swats Hux's hand away. Hux grits his teeth in annoyance – he doesn't like to be pushed away but he relents.

“Armitage,” Ren whispers softly and Hux stiffens. The events of the dream come back to him. He was a little boy again – and Ren was in charge of him! How silly! He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. The dream felt so real after all. And now when Ren spoke his name - Ren's never used his name before…

Ren's fingers wrap around Hux's wrist. “Armitage,” Ren says again. “You should be asleep, darling. It's still too early.” Hux presses his lips into a thin line. He is too afraid to move. Ren's never called him darling either. His heart momentarily melts. He likes the sound of it – he likes the sound of belonging to someone who belongs to him. Then, however, he returns back to the reality and shots out of the bed. Ren wildly wakes up and is met with Hux's burning gaze.

“Don't!” Hux growls and his eyes sting from tears. “Simply don't!”

He expects Ren to fight him – or maybe shame him. Instead, Ren is looking at him with shock written all over his features. “Hux,” he breathes out and moves closer to touch the lines of Hux's face. “It's you.” He smiles and his eyes sparkle with sparks of joy. “I thought…” He cannot say those words. And Hux doesn't understand the pause.

“What is wrong with you?” Hux growls. He pushes Ren away when the taller man reaches for him. “Stop playing those games.”

“You don't remember, do you?”

“Remember what?” Hux barks out.

“Oh, Armitage. My sweet Armitage. I am so glad to have you back.” Hux has no time to react before Ren launches himself at Hux and presses his lips against Hux's. The kiss lasts only for a moment and it's meant to say – I am sorry, I am glad that you're back. It leaves Hux even more confused. He stares at Ren with widened eyes once they part and Ren gently taps his nose.

“I know now, Armitage. I understand now better than ever before.” It all seems like a trick – Hux is too tempted to slap Ren and walk away. He doesn't want to end up like a plaything for the Supreme Leader but something inside of Ren's eyes convinces him to stay. There is so much love – so much sadness that it cannot be fake.

“Tell me,” Hux whispers. But he knows even before Ren starts to explain. He knows or some part of him knows of what happened. The details come back to him – he remembers being scared and then the fear turns into something different. He feels safe. Ren hugs him and keeps him close. He offers him comfort in unspoken words.

“How can you understand? You didn't know him in the way I did – you have no idea who was that boy. You could not love him.” Hux takes a step back. He tries not to think of Armitage. It's just a shadow of memory and he desperately wants to let go of it. Armitage is long gone – and yet it feels like that boy is still alive.

“I took care of him – of you,” Ren says. “And I know things I didn't know before. He was a lovely boy.” Yes, he was. He is not anymore.

“Do you realize,” Hux asks and his voice is shaking, “that he is dead?” He suddenly realizes that he is crying. Tears are rolling down his cheeks. “I am not him and he is not me. If you are here because of him, maybe it's time for you to go.”

“You are the same,” Ren quietly says. “I can see his eyes staring back at me. The boy is gone but he is not dead.” He sighs and presses a kiss against Hux's forehead. “Grand Marshall Hux.”

Hux shakes his head and bitterly laughs. “Grand Marshall?” he asks.

Ren walks past him. “We'll see each other in the morning. It's pretty late.” He looks at Hux. “I miss him but I missed you more.” Hux just nods because there is nothing he can say.

“Goodnight, Grand Marshall,” Ren says. It will be the first time since what seems like a forever that Armitage won't be in his rooms.

The last time he sees is Hux's shaking form. “Good night, Supreme Leader,” the shadow with red hair says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I quite enjoyed writing about young Armitage - I am not sure but maybe I'll write a few more characters about him. For now, thank you all for reading and kudos!


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